Come Whine With Me?

For recipes and more information on this show visit: http://www.channel4.com/food/on-tv/come-dine-with-me/series-9/cheltenham-gloucester/

This week’s new ‘Come dine with me’ (shown Sunday28th March and set in Cheltenham) featured some nightmarish dinner party guests. In fairness to them there are rumours that the editing on these shows can be grossly unfair to participants, but surely someone must have been working overtime to make some of these people seem this appalling? If you’re reading this you guys, and you aren’t really like you were portrayed, you seriously want to sue.

Lets meet our four victims er, contestants. First up, Janice (right of picture) the ‘straight talking’ cleaner. I have to admit, if I am watching any reality show and someone is introduced as straight talking, I can’t help it, I instantly think they’re going to be a prat. Straight talking seems code for I don’t care who I p*** off or upset, as long as I get to say what I want. Janice expresses her dislike for people who think ‘they are better than others’.

Cut to enormous country estate, home of ‘lady of the manor’ and ‘dog show enthusiast’ Vanessa (second from left of pic) complete with a hairy set of what Eddie Izzard could only describe as ‘small yappy-type dogs’. Hmm, could be an issue here! Vanessa expresses her concern over her guests getting drunk and raucous and making a mess.

Next up, pale poker faced bloke Alex (left of piccie), sales director and ‘Material boy’, who instantly appears about as cheerful as a wet Monday morning in November. Summarises his life philosophy- it’s all about being successful apparently. When presented with the first menu he remarks that he will ‘be looking for a sick bag, probably’. What a thoroughly lovely man!

Finally it’s blonde Cathy/aka Patsy, her nickname, (second from right of picture) socialite and ‘glamour puss’. I already worry that the apparently obnoxious Alex is heading for a pasting, possibly with an artificial limb. Cathy/Patsy wears a false arm.

Day 1 at Janice’s house and her menu starts with a crayfish and chorizo salad, followed by Amaretto chicken and steamed vegetables, and dessert of Pavlova with vanilla cream. As she cooks she reveals a scary Johnny Wilkinson obsession and glibly considers ‘chinning’ critical guests.

On the night Alex is first in followed by Vanessa. They immediately look terrified of each other. During the first stilted conversational exchange Vanessa and Janice play top trumps with their pets, with Janice’s three dogs decidedly outdone by Vanessa’s four canine companions and 5 equine ones.

As the last guest, Cathy/Patsy, heck with it, Catsy, arrives one of Janice’s dogs is making his feelings about party exclusion felt by threatening to break down a door. Electing to save her interior Janice announces that she will let the dog in if that is ok, and all acquiesce. Alex’s comments that he ‘can’t wait to meet the dog’ in the same tone that one might use to say ‘I can’t wait to stick shards of glass in my own eyes’. He goes on to make the further inflammatory statement that his female co-competitors have exhibited false behaviour in gushing all over each other’s hair makeup and dresses. Hmmm- what a ray of sunshine he is, or maybe he really doesn’t understand women at all. Janice’s hackles are already rising as she notes his regularly lifted eyebrows.

The food gets a lukewarm reception, starter barely ok, main had mix of overcooked and undercooked veg, but the dessert is more positively received. Alex, clearly not sweet enough, has second helpings of the sugar laden Pavlova dessert. Despite this he has lived up to initial impressions by being pretty sarcastic and negative. I also can’t help thinking that Catsy may already be irritating more sensitive viewers with her exuberance and her ‘sweetie-darling’ statements.

End of the night scores:

Alex, despite his second helpings, only 4, Vanessa 6, Catsy 7, total 17

Vanessa has day 2, and immediately announces that she doesn’t want mess and has asked everyone to bring and wear slippers. A touch cheeky surely? Catsy has a good frown over that one, not keen on the prospect of being parted from her pretty shoes. The menu is smoked salmon and horseradish cream tartlets for starters, roast fillet steak with gruyere bake for main, and Vanessa’s Victorian bombe as dessert. Janice recoils in horror at the dessert named after the host- sign of someone thinking they are better than others perhaps?

Vanessa uses ready-made pastry in her starter and makes the astonishing claim of effectively being a human meat thermometer and that she can just tell when meat is done correctly. We’ll soon see how accurate a claim this is!

Arrivals in order- Janice first, ushered into her pink bootees, Catsy who manages to wangle retaining her sandals, and Alex, who gets into appropriately cheerful black slippers with skull motif with barely a murmur. He then proceeds to correctly identify the champagne.

The meal begins, and Vanessa’s tart gets a bit of a slating. When the main arrives the meat is considered overdone by the guests although their host believed it was done to perfection. Catsy had already expressed a hope that it would be rare, and it is not. Alex fawns over the quality of the steak. Bleurgh. Janice, who appears unhappy in her surroundings, gazes into space before the dessert arrives, prompting a quip from Alex about her distance, which does not go down well. The pudding does not prove particularly popular although Alex attempts to bathe in the dessert and ends up wearing a lot of it.

As the night draws to a close Janice launches a scathing in-taxi attack on Alex. Trouble may be brewing.

Scores:

Alex 6, Janice, marking down for the pudding, 6, Catsy 6, total 18

Alex is day 3’s host, and as he gets down to cooking Janice reveals her feelings on him as pompous and self centred- she also states ‘he can’t impress me’, suggesting he is heading for low marks from one person at least! Oblivious, Alex believes his charm offensive is working and is quietly confident.

His menu is chilli garlic prawns, chorizo pasta bake, and fried ice cream for dessert with a chilli chocolate sauce. The guests profess it boring and the dessert as just wrong! He spends time playing with some of the high tech gadgets in his home and then begins an ultimately unsuccessful hunt for ingredients. His wife is able to direct him to the desired item, scarily though, it lives in a cupboard in the loo. Food in the toilet?!

In order the arrivals are Vanessa, then Catsy, and finally Janice, possibly dragging her feet. Having snooped around the gang are aghast at Alex’s filthy bath, and professional cleaner Janice can’t help leaping into action.

The girls are kept waiting for the starter, and on its arrival Catsy’s attempt at seafood related humour, by mentioning a non-existent allergy, falls flat. Alex, perhaps harshly, calls her a bitch to camera. Janice, equally harshly, claims his starter is pants. Vanessa, displaying near psychic abilities, anticipates a clash on the horizon.

The pasta bake arrives and as the guests begin to pick the silence is deafening. To camera the comments indicate that it just isn’t a dinner party dish. Over dessert Janice springs to the attack by announcing that Alex has a problem with her, not regarding her as important in terms of money/intellect. The other two hold their tongues and allow matters to proceed as Alex parries Janice’s thrusts and denies he has any problem with her at all (in a tone that can’t help implying that in fact he dislikes her as much as she dislikes him). Finally Vanessa enters the fray at a gradually escalating volume, calling Janice rude and cutting off the dispute. She later professes herself appalled at Janice’s behaviour and demeanour.

Catsy blames the bad ambience for her score of 6, and who could argue, Vanessa gives 7, and Janice a not unanticipated 3. Total 16

As we approach the final night Alex professes himself highly irritated with Janice for her outburst when he claims he could not really retaliate (owing to a points issue, not that it saved him from a low score) and Catsy, for, to his mind, stirring and trying to sabotage his night. Alex then condemns Catsy’s menu as pretentious. She is making a tapas starter consisting of chorizo en jerez, pimientos de pardon, tostadas con tomate, datilos con bacon and gambas con ajo, a main of slow-roasted shoulder of lamb and a trio of deserts; lemon posset, mini pink pavlova and sticky toffee pudding, to finish. She also requests that her guests come in formal attire.

Janice, looking smart, is the first arrival, then an extremely glamorous Vanessa and finally Alex, looking ridiculous in a red bow tie and black shirt. He pointedly gives a big bouquet of flowers to Vanessa. Catsy identifies that Alex is still sulking.

The starter arrives to a complete lack of conversation. Alex privately slags it off to camera saying ‘mum’s been to Iceland’. Ouch. It’s well received by the others. Alex goes on to drag up and complains over last night at the table, attributing Janice’s dirty bath remark to jealousy. Janice keeps quiet and ignores him. In the face of overwhelming opposition as the tension rises Catsy desperately persists with her optimism. The main arrives. Janice loves it. Alex also claims to love the main in front of the others, saying it is divine, but to camera says he is only emulating Patsy’s OTT enthusiasm. Like a dog with a bone he is soon back to last night, claiming that he was hurt by Janice’s outburst and she hurt his feelings. He tells the camera he is having fun making fun of the food and taunting Janice, which is very sad and immature. On the arrival of the dessert Alex says he won’t like the Pavlova and now claims he didn’t like the Pavlova that Janice made either. He then sarcastically says that this is the best dessert he has had in his life and makes ridiculous noises and gestures of pleasure over it which finally succeeds in getting even perpetually chirpy Catsy cross. He demands to know why Janice is so negative and Catsy gently tries to get him to stop pestering her. Janice walks out. Alex says he is happy with upsetting her, petty man, and while Janice tells the camera she only wants to finish ahead of him in the rankings, Catsy says it will not be right if he wins.

By the end of the evening Alex has definitely displayed the mental makeup of a serial killer, reserved and quiet one moment, completely unhinged the next. His behaviour on this last night really has been cringe-worthy viewing.

End of the evening scores:

Alex 5, Vanessa 8, Janice 8, total 17

Time to reveal the winner, which is Catsy’s job as the last host. Alex’s charm offensive which was totally free of charm has failed in every possible way as he comes 4th, Janice beats him in 3rd, Vanessa is 2nd and Catsy, who has had to put up with a horrid evening is probably the deserving winner. Janice is ecstatic at beating Alex, who claims that just falling out with one of them caused his failure. Nothing to do with a dull pasta bake?!

Hmmm wonder if they will be all be meeting up again?!