Ramsays Hell's Kitchen USA, Ridiculous but Utterly Brilliant

Here’s a slightly embarrassing confession. I am totally addicted to Hell’s Kitchen USA (ITV2, Mondays). Honestly, it’s so completely OTT it’s brilliant. It’s a completely mad show where nothing makes much sense and the amateur dramatics are hilarious- Ramsay in particular is nothing but a caricature of himself- but it’s unmissable. I watched the English hell’s kitchen and honestly, think this is much better.

We’re well behind the US, where the result is already ancient history I presume, here in the UK and I have had to be so careful not to stumble over the result, so if anyone does comment on this post, I’ll not be looking at it for a few weeks yet. For us Brits, last week, short fused Van left, which was a pity for those among us who hoped he might lose it and lamp Ramsay before he said his goodbyes, as he walked with a whimper rather than a bang.

Now we’re down to finalists Ariel, Dave, Kevin, Suzanne and Tenille. Suzanne has more lives than a cat and has been up for elimination on no less than three occasions. Ariel, previously one of chef’s favourites, has recently been on the downward spiral. Poor Dave has one arm as his wrist is in plaster- he is also quite possibly the least charismatic man on the planet. His voice could put hyperactive kids to sleep- his announcement that he ‘is dangerous in this game’ at the start of the show had me in stitches. I’ve seen puppies look more threatening- to say nothing of his unfortunate penchant for dodgy beanie hats. Tenille is the loud (and unintentionally hilarious) one (above, left of picture facing up to Ramsay), and Kevin the cocky, confident one, and at this moment, I’d guess he’s probably the favourite to win the whole thing.

This week’s show kicks off with a spat between Dave and Tenille over her last minute change of heart about the nominations. Suzanne and Ariel were the original nominees as agreed by their better-peforming counterparts, but when questioned by Ramsay Tenille suggested that Van was the worst chef, and as she put him in the firing line it was Van who walked. Dave has a good whinge at Tenille, then goes upstairs and throws his jacket about in a temper, much to Kevin’s delight.

Suzanne and Ariel commiserate about their poor performances over a cigarette. How many of these people smoke, I don’t think I know of any that I have not seen puffing on a fag?! I always thought cigarettes could have a negative effect on your taste buds. Maybe that explains the constant cock-ups!

The days challenge, announced by Gordon Ramsay who gesticulates wildly as he explains, is cooking good-looking food as an individual, so a challenge where the focus is presentation. Helping Gordon to judge are the staff and editor of Bon appétit magazine. The contestants are suitably impressed.

The objective is to make one ‘stunning dish’. The top 2 will be picked out and tasted by Gordon and magazine editor Barbara, with the best tasting one winning.

The final five set to work creating a visually stunning and delicious dish. Kevin opts for Caribbean Sea bass with Orange and Papaya, Suzanne for Calamari salad, Dave for rack of lamb with potatoes and Ariel for Bruschutto wrapped John Dory. Suzanne’s effort gets a private slating from Dave to camera. Tenille cooks an Asian-inspired red snapper, but breaks her fish on the way out of the pan. Oh sh**! She bellows, and in desperation throws her other ingredients over the broken fillet.

The dishes are all up on time and the judges move in. The contestants do a good job explaining their dishes- except for Dave, who stumbles over the description of his presentation (this is a pan seared yellow ummm... a red and yellow ummm.... ) then admits to camera that he doesn’t speak well in front of crowds later in private. Not that he does any better describing what he made in private (my dish is Colorado rack of lamb with rainbow.... the name of my dish is...)!

The scores for presentation from the judges are revealed by Gordon. Tenille is 5th, as it looked like garbage according to Dave, Suzanne is 4th, much to her disgust (my dish was a piece of art, whatever!), Dave is 3rd, Kevin gets the highest scoring and is 1st (of course I am, he quips to camera) and Ariel is 2nd. Ariel and Kevin bring up their dishes for tasting by Barbara and Gordon. They are tasked with identifying the best tasting of the top two, but neither can split them, so both are pronounced the winners.

Kevin and Ariel will head off for a Bon Appetit photo shoot with Barbara and their recipes will be featured in the magazine and available in Hell’s Kitchen that night. The losers, on the other hand, are told that Hell’s Kitchen has adopted a street and they will be going to clean it up in a form of community service, then tidy HK for the evening. An appalled Dave has a good gripe about spending the day with Tenille and having to listen to her bitch, as the three get into jump suits.

Tenille is typically vocal about her punishment, saying ‘Did we commit a crime in not winning today’s challenge? I’m not a convict and I can’t stand looking like I just got out of LA county!’ Ariel and Kevin begin to enjoy their reward at beautiful hotel Shutters on the beach, while their competitors start cleaning up the hillside.

Dave’s back is up as ‘Tenille keeps saying ‘This just ain’t right’’, which, evidenced by the footage, she does indeed. Tenille tells the camera that the punishment was horrible and she will never commit a crime as this is ‘wrong on so many levels’. Kevin and Ariel continue to enjoy their photo shoot; Kevin feels it is a taste of how it would be to win the whole thing, Ariel that it is one of the best rewards ever.

The three losers come back to HK to sweep up and clean. Ariel and Kevin return to the venue and walk all over Tenille’s newly steamed carpet, much to her chagrin. ‘I just cleaned that man, I just cleaned that, this is Bullsh*t!’ Dave is not having any more luck as use of the brush causes his wrist to swell up and he retires to his bed with it wrapped in ice. Friendly-faced assassin Kevin arrives to ask how he is doing and suggest that he really considers what is best for him. To camera, Kevin admits that Dave is a threat to him winning and he wants him to leave. Dave is noncommittal in their exchange and later to camera he says he knows that everyone is hoping to see him go home, that his broken wrist will put him out.

That evening the gang are back to prepping for the fully booked dinner service. Dave’s one handed limitations are starting to annoy Kevin. He states he needs to take charge, it’s his time to shine and begins to prowl the kitchen barking commands and annoying his rivals. Ariel says he is really patronising, and that he is telling everyone what to do.

Gordon prowls into the kitchen and gives his pep talk, which no one should bother listening to as we all know he’ll find some excuse to lose his rag later. Despite that Tenille jumps on the positivity bandwagon saying ‘Yeah, chef is pumped, let’s do this!’ So a pretty upbeat service begins.

The menu will feature classic dishes and Ariel and Kevin’s dishes of Sea Bass and John Dory. The first order is in and Gordon gabbles out the order (I swear he deliberately speaks as vaguely as possible when he reads these tickets out). Dave, Tenille and Suzanne come under pressure first. Dave asks if there is anything new to come off his station. Tenille tells him no and mutters that he is a f***ing idiot. Never one to miss brewing conflict that he has not personally sparked, Gordon dives in shouting that he does not care if his team don’t love each other, as long as they give attention to detail and work as a team. Dave tells camera that he hates Tenille but won’t bring conflict onto the kitchen floor. Suzanne says her scallops are not ready because no one told her to get ready, blaming Tenille. Gordon snaps for the first time, saying they must talk to each other, then gibbers his way through another order.

Tenille gets to work on ris-O-to (can’t get used to this American pronunciation of risotto!) and Suzanne starts scallops for this new table. Ariel tells Tenille the Ris- O- to is over cooked, but she says it is fine and takes it to the pass. Gordon is immediately on the case, bellowing that it’s sh*t and the next needs to be perfect. Tenille gets right on it, and later, displaying great intuition, tells the camera ‘I’m not going to argue with you, I don’t even want to look at you funny or you’ll think I’m giving you attitude’.

Suzanne now has to bring up the scallops and on seeing them, Gordon says the team are killing him as one is caked in cr*p. Suzanne gets onto a new lot and Tenille gets hassled for her ris-o-to. Now Dave’s up. The food he has made actually gets out of the kitchen. Tenille’s ris-O-to attempt 2 arrives and it’s no good. The chefs are perplexed and so is she, being the ‘risotto wizard’. Ramsay asks who cooked the rice. Kevin owns up and it transpires that the rice is overcooked. Dave states it was Kevin’s error but Tenille should have noticed how bad the risotto was.
Ariel offers to make more rice but then finds a batch that is ok. Ramsay screams about why are they using the sh*t stuff and why it was put out for Tenille to use. Tenille admits they both should have known better and look like idiots. Gordon starts his risotto related rant about how badly they are all doing and starts chucking items around. He zeroes in on Kevin like an exocet missile and demands to know why he did what he did, not that Kevin can get in a word in his own defence. There are no right answers when Gordon’s off on one Kevin, surely you know that by now?!

When the next ris-O-to arrives Gordon leaps up a height and screams for Tenille and Kevin, but it’s a bluff, this time it’s perfect and Kevin is relieved. Appetisers are flying out of the kitchen and it’s time for entrees. Ariel brings four chicken up the pass, followed by Kevin’s garnish. Trouble is indicated by Ramsay screaming ‘STOP!’. ‘Overcooked rice and now pink chicken!’ ‘RAW’ he bellows like a a maniac, ‘I don’t serve Pink chicken!’ Ariel is frustrated at disappointing chef. Kevin crows to camera- ‘it’s chicken and lamb, it’s like the easiest station, that’s all you got to do, and now I get hosed on garnish! I though Ariel was better than that’. The next chicken is ok and makes it out. Now it’s Kevin and Suzanne up with the fish dish. Gordon claims this will be fine as there’s no f***ing meat, but then looks at Suzanne’s offering. It’s raw. Gordon shouts and swears and chucks a towel about as Kevin groans. Gordon says there is hotter fish than this in a sushi bar, and then chucks it hard on the floor splattering everywhere- a health and safety issue surely! Kevin tells camera that the girls just can’t cook, and back in the kitchen can’t help chucking in a snipe at Suzanne, telling her to get it together. Gordon practically sobs at her you baste it, you baste it, and is later seen to be muttering to himself, deranged murderer style that this is ‘not possible’. Kevin, in irritating Mini-me mode, chimes in ‘keep basting that thing.’ Suzanne admits she is not proud of her performance. Gordon screams that they are inconsistent and Suzanne makes grovelling apologies that appear to be falling on deaf ears.

Service is still dragging and Dave tells the camera that it has been disastrous. Gordon shouts that they are taking into it in turns to be useless and need to pick it up. Another order is read out at double quick time and Ariel is up with the lamb. To Gordon’s unconcealed horror it’s ‘raggedy’. He has a good yell at Ariel, first in front of the others (Kevin enjoys that) then dragging her out into the dining room to demand if she would send it in Araxi whistler, the restaurant where the winner will take up a post. Ariel is embarrassed. Kevin attempts to urge the others on and Gordon storms in asking Kevin if he wonders why he is going doo lally. Gordon, swearing freely now, demands all the cooks gather round. Tenille tells the camera he has been screaming his head off all night and she is scared sh**less. He says he won’t send one meal at a time and they need to get it together or f*** off. The meals continue to come up. Gordon sighs and mutters over how long the last table is taking.

Finally dinner service is over and Chef Ramsay looks pretty p**sed. He puts his head in hands, then, apparently extremely annoyed, gives his closing speech. He says it was one of the worst services for a long time and that the whole thing was like watching ‘a giant soufflé collapse’. He tells them that they did not come together as a team, but they need to now, to choose two people for nomination.

As the tired gang troop wearily backstage Dave says ‘there is no best of the worst tonight. We sucked. Anyone could go.’ Suzanne wants to nominate Ariel and Tenille – Tenille does not take this lying down and argues. Tenille says she had a better service than Suzanne, but Suzanne thinks she had a good service. Kevin to camera, says ‘Raw fish? Suzanne should be up for elimination’. Ariel wants to nominate Tenille and Kevin. The conversation ends here and we won’t find out who’s up until Gordon does.

When Gordon asks for the decision from Kevin the nominees are Ariel for inconsistency and raw meat and Suzanne for her raw fish and overcooked scallops, and the fact that she thinks she had a good service despite that. Gordon asks both why they should stay. Suzanne, on her 4th nomination, claims she was focused on technique and high standard of food, but Gordon tells her despite her claims she accomplished nothing. Suzanne says she thinks she is a better chef than Ariel. Gordon tells Ariel that she is just getting worse and why should she stay? Ariel says she knows she made mistakes but believes she is the better chef, wants this badly and wants to show that.

He then says they should both go, but in the end, it’s Suzanne who gets the bullet. He tells her that he has given her so many chances but that she has not been at her best in the last 3/4 services and it will only get harder. Suzanne tells the camera that she has learned a lot about herself through this experience and her strengths and weaknesses, including the flaw of creating distance between herself and her team mates. She says everyone is probably happy she is gone.

Ramsay warns Tenille that she was very close to being up for elimination and Tenille herself admits she had to ‘do the matrix’ to avoid the bullet- it was that close. He tells the final four that they must bounce back. Tomorrow the play offs begin. Ariel is disappointed with her performance, Kevin thinks his competitors are on the way out and he has been Mr consistency, Dave says it will get ugly and that the best chef should win.

The preview says life will get harder and implies that Dave will be really struggling with his knackered arm. Kevin wants rid of him. There are also two ‘shocking surprises’. Roll on next week!