All Hail Masterchef

Ah, BBC's Masterchef. A work of TV genius, now that Loyd Grossman is a distant memory anyway. Revamped as 'Masterchef goes large' back in 2005, now reassigned the original name Masterchef, it is addictive television and in my opinion thoroughly deserved its recently achieved promotion to BBC primetime. I've been an avid watcher since it first resurfaced on BBC 2 at a daily 6.30 pm slot. Almost invariably being on the way home from work at that time, I had to remember to set the timer, but I never missed it.

Part of the draw has to be laid at the feet of our wonderful, controversial judges, 'Ingredients expert' Greg Wallace and restaurateur John Torode. Greg and John are, completely unitentionally, works of comic genius. Greg (on right of picture) is the smaller bespectacled one, bald and on the round side, who is slightly uncharitably but accurately likened to characters like the muppets' Dr Bunsen Honeydew and ogre Shrek on internet messageboards across the UK. Over various series of the show he has also been known as a vegetable guru and vegetable expert. Greg has a passion for puddings and devours them in record time with an expression of bliss on his face. He is not shy about showing his delight and often bounces up and down with glee. I don't personally remember him clapping his hands, but he may well have done at some point.

His partner in crime is antipodean chef and restaurant owner John Torode, aka Beaker due to his occasionally very scary hair and placement alongside the aftorementioned Dr Bunsen Honeydew, and also Toady in an affectionate abbreviation of his surname (and his slightly wide mouth which has been likened to a frog's by a few forum posters). At times Torode can look as if he has been on a 3 day bender and was dragged out of bed just minutes before filming began. At least Greg's head is always nicely polished. He loves his Asian flavours, and makes no secret of the fact- anyone going on this show to cook Asian cuisine should know their stuff back to front or they are going home. Seriously.

The judges tend to repeat time honoured phrases, opinions and criticisms over the course of various series and shows, giving the viewer a grasp of some clear, guaranteed ways to get thrown out of masterchef- bar the occasional second chances depending on how rubbish your rivals are in that particular line up. These are as follows:

• Burn something
• Undercook something (if a skilled vet could still save it, you're probably going home, unless your nearest competitor's presentation is still kicking)
• Make a bad pudding and commit the unforgiveable sin of disappointing Greg
• Present carbs with carbs (John was once offered garlic bread and pasta, and reacted as if he had been served a horse's head on a pillow)
• Use an unusual ingredient which 'fails to add anything' (beetroot with chocolate is a prime target for this comment, even though a close perusal of many recipe books would suggest it's actually fairly common)
• Use too many ingredients (too complicated)
• Use too few ingredients (too simple)
• Rebel against your label (experimental cook should not become traditional home cook, and vice versa)
• Dare to try and dumb down the standard of cooking offered by our resident chef, Mr Torode. For the palate test he has now begun to knock up a recipe of his own. Regretfully, this series, one contestant dared to suggest he had included curry powder. His blusteringly indignant response ensured she was soon getting her coat.

Still, all credit to anyone who goes in for this show and best of luck to you- you are a braver person than I. I can't imagine my execution of beans on toast in the invention test would ever meet these guys' approval.